Use Your Emotional Intelligence to Overcome Defensiveness

Someone says to you: “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.”

Do you refuse to say anything further? Do you say, “That’s not what I meant at all!”? Do you blame the other person for never listening to anybody else’s ideas? Or do you say, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”?

You’re acting defensively.

Defensiveness is a psychological self-protection strategy many of us use when we perceive a real or imagined threat to our ego, identity, or self-esteem. Our brain immediately senses an attack on our character, competence, or worth.

We then act defensively in order to avoid discomfort or shame, to preserve our self-image, or to protect our ego. Defensiveness might be a result of childhood conditioning if you grew up in a situation in which your mistakes led to shaming or punishment. Most likely defensiveness is an automatic reaction, rather like the fight-or-flight response to imminent physical danger.

Emotionally intelligent people know how to control this automatic brain reaction. They halt the defense mechanism so they can respond to the other person’s remark rather than react to it.

Emotional intelligence trainer Justin Bariso recommends three short phrases to say to yourself to defuse defensiveness.

• “This isn’t an attack.” It is the amygdala of the brain that triggers the fight-or-flight response as a survival mechanism. Reminding yourself that this isn’t necessary in the present situation helps the brain “cool off” because there is no physical threat.
• “They don’t know.” The other person may not have meant to upset you. Maybe they are just ignorant of something you know or lack the context you are aware of.
• “I don’t know.” You don’t know the other person’s reason for their remark. You are not aware of their stresses and insecurities, their knowledge, or the mental background they operate from.

Taking a deep breath after someone makes a cutting remark to or about you is a start. Then recall these three short statements and take a moment to carefully consider your response. Internal self-talk can deflect defensiveness that might lead to escalation of negative actions.

You might also consider using cognitive reframing. To learn more about this strategy to look differently at criticism, check out the poster set “Cognitive Reframing” on Healthinfo Island during November 2026. Here is the SLURL: http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Healthinfo%20Island/24/23/30